For example, if your father was emotionally unavailable, you may subconsciously be drawn to partners who are also distant or inconsistent. The unpredictability of their love might feel oddly familiar, even if it’s painful. You might mistake emotional detachment for strength or believe that love has to be "earned" rather than freely given.
Similarly, if your mother was highly independent, you may find yourself attracted to strong, self-sufficient women. However, when that same woman begins to show vulnerability, you might perceive it as weakness or feel uncomfortable, unsure of how to respond. This is especially true if, as a child, you were taught—directly or indirectly—that emotions should be suppressed rather than expressed.
Perhaps, in your own childhood, showing vulnerability led to pain - maybe your emotions were dismissed, belittled, or even used against you. Over time, you may have decided that vulnerability is unsafe, choosing instead to build emotional walls. In relationships, this can manifest as difficulty opening up, avoiding deep emotional intimacy, or shutting down when things get too real.
Expecting Unconditional Love in Romantic Relationships
If you grew up with caregivers who loved you unconditionally, you may expect the same from a romantic partner—believing that no matter what you do, they should always accept and forgive you. But romantic love differs from parental love. While healthy relationships involve deep care and commitment, they also require mutual effort, accountability, and respect. When a partner expresses concerns about your actions or emotional distance, you might misinterpret it as rejection rather than an opportunity for growth.
Control and the Fear of Losing Freedom
If you had a controlling parent, you may have spent your childhood longing for independence and free will. As an adult, even the smallest hint of a partner trying to guide, question, or check in on you might trigger feelings of resentment. It may feel like they’re trying to restrict you, even if their intention is simply to express concern or understand you better. You might push them away, not realizing that they’re not trying to control you—they’re just noticing how your behavior or emotional availability has changed.
This automatic response can create distance, as your partner may feel confused about why their genuine care is met with resistance. Recognizing this pattern is key to breaking it, allowing you to differentiate between healthy communication and actual control.
Breaking the Cycle
These patterns don’t have to define your relationships forever. Recognizing where they come from is the first step toward change. Healing means allowing yourself to feel, re-learning what healthy love looks like, and understanding that true strength includes vulnerability, not the absence of it. It also means shifting your expectations—understanding that a partner's love is not meant to be unconditional in the way a parent’s love is, but rather a balanced, reciprocal connection based on respect, trust, and emotional safety.