Avoidant Attachment Style and the Illusion of Choice

In childhood, they may have experienced caregivers who were emotionally unavailable, critical or dismissive. This doesn’t mean that they had bad parents! As a survival strategy, they learned to suppress or ignore their emotional needs.

While healing is always possible, avoidants face a difficult inner conflict: choosing connection means confronting vulnerability, discomfort and shame - all things their nervous system is wired to avoid. They can choose to heal, but doing so challenges a core defence mechanism that has protected them for decades. This resistance is often unconscious and that’s why time reinforces the pattern. The longer they avoid, the more it solidifies into their identity:

• “I’m just not an emotional person.”

• “Relationships aren’t for me.”

• “I don’t need anyone.”

These aren’t truths - they’re protective beliefs.

And no matter how charming they seem or how cleverly they think they can hide behind charm, a conscious, emotionally attuned partner won’t be fooled. True connection is felt, not performed and deep inside, she’ll sense when something is missing.

The Link Between Severe Avoidance and Narcissistic Traits

In some extreme cases, avoidant attachment can evolve into narcissistic personality traits — or even full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). While not all avoidants are narcissists, many narcissists do have avoidant roots. The connection lies in early, unresolved emotional wounds.

Narcissism is, at its core, a defence against shame and deep emotional neglect. These wounds often occur very early in life - sometimes before the age of two - during a stage when emotional development is incredibly sensitive. The injury may not be dramatic; it could stem from something as subtle as a parent’s inability to emotionally attune or regulate their child’s feelings. The child absorbs a message: my emotions are too much, unsafe or unwanted.

In response, they begin to shut down their emotional world. Over time, this emotional cutoff becomes so complete that:

• Empathy becomes impaired — not out of malice, but because they’ve lost access to their own emotional depth, making it nearly impossible to feel into others.

• Remorse is absent — because guilt and regret require emotional self-awareness and a connection to how others feel.

• Cutting people off feels “normal” - detachment becomes a safety reflex. When someone triggers discomfort, they disconnect instantly to self-preserve.

People with this pattern may idealize others quickly, especially in new relationships. They can be charming, attentive and intense in the beginning, often projecting hope or validation onto the other person. But once that person no longer meets their needs or triggers discomfort, they devalue them - sometimes overnight. The emotional withdrawal is sharp and sudden, leaving the other person confused, hurt or discarded.

This behaviour isn’t random. It’s a survival strategy built on avoiding emotional vulnerability at all costs. It’s not about cruelty - it’s about protection. But that doesn’t lessen the emotional damage it can cause in relationships. Healing these patterns requires a deep willingness to revisit early wounds, build emotional awareness and risk connection - all things that feel deeply threatening to someone with this defence.

The Dopamine Loop: Mistaking Excitement for Love

When feelings are blocked, the brain often compensates with dopamine-driven behaviours - the feel-good rush from novelty, attention, flattery and romantic pursuit. Many avoidants (especially those with narcissistic traits) confuse:

• Dopamine highs with emotional connection

• Attraction with attachment

• Infatuation with love

They become addicted to the initial spark - the chase, the conquest. But intimacy requires oxytocin-based bonding, which demands vulnerability and consistency. When dopamine naturally levels out, they disengage, withdraw or sabotage the connection.

The result? A pattern of short, intense relationships that never mature into secure, lasting love.

The Tragic Part: Never Experiencing Deep Love

Because of these unconscious patterns and emotional blocks, many avoidants or narcissistically inclined people never experience the type of love that deepens over time — the kind of connection built on trust, emotional presence and mutual vulnerability. That’s the tragedy.

Unless they choose to face their inner wounds - often with therapy or a powerful relational mirror - they’ll continue chasing a feeling they can never sustain.

The Idealization Phase: Surface-Level Safety

At the beginning of a relationship, the avoidant often appears to be the perfect partner. They may idealize the person - seeing them not as they are, but as a symbol of hope, escape or validation. During this early phase, they tend to:

• Say and do all the right things

• Show up consistently and charmingly

• Appear emotionally available and even romantic

But this performance occurs within the safety of surface-level intimacy. The emotional stakes are still low — their nervous system remains calm. They mistake this ease for control, even happiness.

The problem arises when emotional intimacy deepens. As soon as they begin to genuinely connect, their internal alarm system activates. It’s not the person who feels unsafe - it’s the raw closeness itself that triggers them.

They haven’t gone deep within - so they are unable to go deep with someone else.

The Core Cycle

• They crave closeness but fear vulnerability.

• They equate emotional distance with safety.

• They chase dopamine highs but withdraw when real connection appears.

Until they’re willing to explore their inner world and face discomfort, they’ll remain stuck in the cycle of idolizing, disconnecting and repeating.

In Summary

• Avoidant individuals do have a choice to begin healing but that means confronting uncomfortable truths.

• If left unhealed, avoidance becomes part of their identity, making change more difficult over time.

• In more severe cases - especially with narcissistic traits - empathy and emotional access can feel completely blocked.

• They often confuse dopamine-driven excitement with authentic love.

• Without healing, they miss out on secure, evolving emotional connection.

• And remember: no matter how polished the performance, a conscious partner will feel the emotional disconnect - charm can’t conceal emptiness.

Far too often, avoidants choose blame over self-reflection. They convince themselves they did everything right - that it was their partner who became “too much,” “too emotional,” or “too needy.” After the discard, they quickly move on to someone new, repeating the same cycle of pursuit, withdrawal and emotional shutdown. They hope that the next person won’t notice the disconnect, that she won’t be as conscious, emotionally intelligent or intuitive. They rely on charm to mask their unavailability, avoiding the deeper inner work that real love requires. In doing so, they not only hurt others — they also deny themselves the chance to truly evolve.